Post by Park Sung Jetson on Jun 17, 2023 22:00:10 GMT
Recently, some scummy coorporate muckety muck from Anheuser Busch released a damage control load of pablum meant to placate the 'billies and get them gun-totin' hicks to buy Bud Light again. In a spirit of good will for humanity, I addressed this message point by point and emailed it to them.
Have a nice day, losers. ( Note: the email form on the BL contact page was all in caps; this is not me SHOUTING. I'm just too lazy to retype it for the 3 codgers with nothing better to do at 3a.m. who might read it.) The official statement is in black text and quotes, my responses are in blue.
--------------------
"WE RECOGNIZE THAT OVER THE LAST TWO MONTHS, THE DISCUSSION SURROUNDING OUR COMPANY AND BUD LIGHT HAS MOVED AWAY FROM BEER AND THIS HAS IMPACTED OUR CONSUMERS, OUR BUSINESS PARTNERS, AND OUR EMPLOYEES."
STOP NOTICING OUR CYNICAL DEGENERACY! STOP TALKING ABOUT OUR SOULLESS, CORPORATE VIRTUE SIGNAL THAT HAS BLOWN UP IN OUR SOULLESS, CORPORATE FACES! HAIL SATAN! WE LOVE DEGENERACY! HOW ABOUT OUR SHITTY BEER, EH GUYS!? HAIL SATAN! HAIL BAPHOMET! MORE TROONS, MORE!!!!!! BOO HOO, STOP HURTING PEOPLE BY NOTICING, WAAAAAAH! HAIL SATAN!
"WE ARE A BEER COMPANY,"
YOU ARE? I THOUGHT YOU'RE A PEDERAST CARNIVAL SIDESHOW IN A SEEDY DOWNTOWN HOVEL IN GOMORRAH!
"AND BEER IS FOR EVERYONE."
HOW MAGNANIMOUS. THANKS. LOOK AT THE SIZE OF YOUR BURNING DESIRE TO SPREAD BROTHERHOOD AND PEACE!! I'LL BE SURE TO PASS ON YOUR SOOTHING WISDOM TO THE GUYS OVER AT YUENGLING.
"TODAY, WE ARE ANNOUNCING THREE IMPORTANT ACTIONS AS WE CONTINUE TO MOVE OUR BUSINESS FORWARD."
THREE IMPORTANT ACTIONS! THREE?!?!?!?!?!
OH DEAR, I'M ALL AGOG! TELL ME MORE!!! ALSO, MOVING FORWARD? I DON'T THINK THAT WORD MEANS WHAT YOU THINK IT DOES.
"FIRST, WE ARE INVESTING TO PROTECT THE JOBS OF OUR FRONTLINE EMPLOYEES."
HAHAHA. ALL OF A SUDDEN YOU'VE GONE FROM JEZEBEL, DRAG QUEEN OF THE *SWEATY SAILOR GLORY HOLE EMPORIUM*, TO SAMUEL GOMPERS, UNCOMPROMISING FRIEND OF THE WORKING MAN!! TOTALLY BELIEVABLE AND NOT EVEN FAINTLY SUSPICIOUS OF EMPTY, SELF SERVING CORPORATE ASS COVERING! EVERYONE WILL BELIEVE YOU'RE TOTALLY SINCERE! EVERYONE!!!
"SECOND, WE ARE PROVIDING FINANCIAL ASSISTANCE TO OUR INDEPENDENT WHOLESALERS TO HELP THEM SUPPORT THEIR EMPLOYEES."
THE SPICE MUST FLOW, EH MONEY CHANGERS OF THE TEMPLE?
"THIRD, TO ALL OUR VALUED CONSUMERS, WE HEAR YOU"
CONDESCEND !!MORE!!, WHY DON'T YOU? THIS IS GOING TO BACKFIRE EVEN WORSE THAN YOUR INITIAL HAREBRAINED "SHOVE A FREAK DOWN THEIR THROATS' AD CAMPAIGN. YES, YOU HEAR US. THANKS, UNCLE FUZZY! I'M SO GLAD YOU HEAR US, GRANDPA CORN PONE! YOU TOTALLY HEARD ME!! ( BRUSHES TEAR FROM ERSTWHILE CYNICAL EYE). WHY, EVEN I.M. UNCONVINCED, ESQUIRE HIMSELF WOULD TAKE YOUR ASSERTIONS AT FACE VALUE INSTANTLY! THEY HEARD US, I.M.!!! HOORAY!!!
"OUR SUMMER ADVERTISING LAUNCHES NEXT WEEK "
OH, THE EXCITEMENT. WHATCHA GOT LINED UP FOR US? LEATHER DUNGEONS FOR GRADES K THROUGH 4? LUMBERJACKS WITH THONGS AND CHAINS AND BUD LOGOS SHAVED INTO THEIR CHEST HAIR? OH, THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME! A SUMMER !!AD CAMPAIGN!! CUE THE SWELLING VIOLINS! RELEASE THE WHITE PIGEONS! A SUMMER AD CAMPAIGN, ETHEL!!!
"AND YOU CAN LOOK FORWARD TO BUD LIGHT..."
...,CONTINUING TO TANK AS YOUR OBVIOUS ATTEMPT TO EMOTIONALLY MANIPULATE THE RUBES BACKFIRES MAJESTICALLY, TO THE VAST AMUSEMENT OF THE FOLKS WATCHING FROM THE SIDELINES.
"REINFORCING WHAT YOU’VE ALWAYS LOVED ABOUT OUR BRAND"
PAEDOPHILES IN DRESSES HOLDING DECENT PEOPLE HOSTAGE BY COLLUDING WITH CORPORATE PROSTITUTES LIKE YOU?
"– THAT IT’S EASY TO DRINK AND EASY TO ENJOY."
OH, IT'S EASY TO DRINK! AT LAST! THE INTENSE LABOR OF DRINKING OTHER, NON-TRANNY, NON- DEGENERATE BEERS HAS BEEN SOLVED! BUD LIGHT IS !!EASY!!!! TO DRINK! HURRAH!!!
"AS WE MOVE FORWARD,"
LOL YOU HOPE AND PRAY. I'M PREDICTING OTHERWISE.
"WE WILL FOCUS ON WHAT WE DO BEST"
DEGENERACY? CATACLYSMIC, CIVILIZATION DESTROYING EVIL AND WICKEDNESS? STOP ME WHEN I GUESS THE RIGHT ONE!
"– BREWING GREAT BEER AND EARNING OUR PLACE IN MOMENTS THAT MATTER TO YOU."
BOTH OF THESE STATEMENTS ARE BALD FACED LIES.
"HERE’S TO A FUTURE WITH MORE CHEERS."
HERE'S TO CONTINUING TO LAUGH HYSTERICALLY AS YOUR GUT WRENCHING, PHONY PROGRESSIVE PIETY CONTINUES TO BLOW UP IN YOUR FACES. NOW, I'LL DRINK TO THAT!!!!!!
"BRENDAN WHITWORTH
CEO ANHEUSER-BUSCH"
WHAT A REPUGNANT, SMELLY CORPORATE RAT-WHORE THIS GUY MUST BE.
Have a nice day, losers. ( Note: the email form on the BL contact page was all in caps; this is not me SHOUTING. I'm just too lazy to retype it for the 3 codgers with nothing better to do at 3a.m. who might read it.) The official statement is in black text and quotes, my responses are in blue.
--------------------
"WE RECOGNIZE THAT OVER THE LAST TWO MONTHS, THE DISCUSSION SURROUNDING OUR COMPANY AND BUD LIGHT HAS MOVED AWAY FROM BEER AND THIS HAS IMPACTED OUR CONSUMERS, OUR BUSINESS PARTNERS, AND OUR EMPLOYEES."
STOP NOTICING OUR CYNICAL DEGENERACY! STOP TALKING ABOUT OUR SOULLESS, CORPORATE VIRTUE SIGNAL THAT HAS BLOWN UP IN OUR SOULLESS, CORPORATE FACES! HAIL SATAN! WE LOVE DEGENERACY! HOW ABOUT OUR SHITTY BEER, EH GUYS!? HAIL SATAN! HAIL BAPHOMET! MORE TROONS, MORE!!!!!! BOO HOO, STOP HURTING PEOPLE BY NOTICING, WAAAAAAH! HAIL SATAN!
"WE ARE A BEER COMPANY,"
YOU ARE? I THOUGHT YOU'RE A PEDERAST CARNIVAL SIDESHOW IN A SEEDY DOWNTOWN HOVEL IN GOMORRAH!
"AND BEER IS FOR EVERYONE."
HOW MAGNANIMOUS. THANKS. LOOK AT THE SIZE OF YOUR BURNING DESIRE TO SPREAD BROTHERHOOD AND PEACE!! I'LL BE SURE TO PASS ON YOUR SOOTHING WISDOM TO THE GUYS OVER AT YUENGLING.
"TODAY, WE ARE ANNOUNCING THREE IMPORTANT ACTIONS AS WE CONTINUE TO MOVE OUR BUSINESS FORWARD."
THREE IMPORTANT ACTIONS! THREE?!?!?!?!?!
OH DEAR, I'M ALL AGOG! TELL ME MORE!!! ALSO, MOVING FORWARD? I DON'T THINK THAT WORD MEANS WHAT YOU THINK IT DOES.
"FIRST, WE ARE INVESTING TO PROTECT THE JOBS OF OUR FRONTLINE EMPLOYEES."
HAHAHA. ALL OF A SUDDEN YOU'VE GONE FROM JEZEBEL, DRAG QUEEN OF THE *SWEATY SAILOR GLORY HOLE EMPORIUM*, TO SAMUEL GOMPERS, UNCOMPROMISING FRIEND OF THE WORKING MAN!! TOTALLY BELIEVABLE AND NOT EVEN FAINTLY SUSPICIOUS OF EMPTY, SELF SERVING CORPORATE ASS COVERING! EVERYONE WILL BELIEVE YOU'RE TOTALLY SINCERE! EVERYONE!!!
"SECOND, WE ARE PROVIDING FINANCIAL ASSISTANCE TO OUR INDEPENDENT WHOLESALERS TO HELP THEM SUPPORT THEIR EMPLOYEES."
THE SPICE MUST FLOW, EH MONEY CHANGERS OF THE TEMPLE?
"THIRD, TO ALL OUR VALUED CONSUMERS, WE HEAR YOU"
CONDESCEND !!MORE!!, WHY DON'T YOU? THIS IS GOING TO BACKFIRE EVEN WORSE THAN YOUR INITIAL HAREBRAINED "SHOVE A FREAK DOWN THEIR THROATS' AD CAMPAIGN. YES, YOU HEAR US. THANKS, UNCLE FUZZY! I'M SO GLAD YOU HEAR US, GRANDPA CORN PONE! YOU TOTALLY HEARD ME!! ( BRUSHES TEAR FROM ERSTWHILE CYNICAL EYE). WHY, EVEN I.M. UNCONVINCED, ESQUIRE HIMSELF WOULD TAKE YOUR ASSERTIONS AT FACE VALUE INSTANTLY! THEY HEARD US, I.M.!!! HOORAY!!!
"OUR SUMMER ADVERTISING LAUNCHES NEXT WEEK "
OH, THE EXCITEMENT. WHATCHA GOT LINED UP FOR US? LEATHER DUNGEONS FOR GRADES K THROUGH 4? LUMBERJACKS WITH THONGS AND CHAINS AND BUD LOGOS SHAVED INTO THEIR CHEST HAIR? OH, THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME! A SUMMER !!AD CAMPAIGN!! CUE THE SWELLING VIOLINS! RELEASE THE WHITE PIGEONS! A SUMMER AD CAMPAIGN, ETHEL!!!
"AND YOU CAN LOOK FORWARD TO BUD LIGHT..."
...,CONTINUING TO TANK AS YOUR OBVIOUS ATTEMPT TO EMOTIONALLY MANIPULATE THE RUBES BACKFIRES MAJESTICALLY, TO THE VAST AMUSEMENT OF THE FOLKS WATCHING FROM THE SIDELINES.
"REINFORCING WHAT YOU’VE ALWAYS LOVED ABOUT OUR BRAND"
PAEDOPHILES IN DRESSES HOLDING DECENT PEOPLE HOSTAGE BY COLLUDING WITH CORPORATE PROSTITUTES LIKE YOU?
"– THAT IT’S EASY TO DRINK AND EASY TO ENJOY."
OH, IT'S EASY TO DRINK! AT LAST! THE INTENSE LABOR OF DRINKING OTHER, NON-TRANNY, NON- DEGENERATE BEERS HAS BEEN SOLVED! BUD LIGHT IS !!EASY!!!! TO DRINK! HURRAH!!!
"AS WE MOVE FORWARD,"
LOL YOU HOPE AND PRAY. I'M PREDICTING OTHERWISE.
"WE WILL FOCUS ON WHAT WE DO BEST"
DEGENERACY? CATACLYSMIC, CIVILIZATION DESTROYING EVIL AND WICKEDNESS? STOP ME WHEN I GUESS THE RIGHT ONE!
"– BREWING GREAT BEER AND EARNING OUR PLACE IN MOMENTS THAT MATTER TO YOU."
BOTH OF THESE STATEMENTS ARE BALD FACED LIES.
"HERE’S TO A FUTURE WITH MORE CHEERS."
HERE'S TO CONTINUING TO LAUGH HYSTERICALLY AS YOUR GUT WRENCHING, PHONY PROGRESSIVE PIETY CONTINUES TO BLOW UP IN YOUR FACES. NOW, I'LL DRINK TO THAT!!!!!!
"BRENDAN WHITWORTH
CEO ANHEUSER-BUSCH"
WHAT A REPUGNANT, SMELLY CORPORATE RAT-WHORE THIS GUY MUST BE.
